The way you relate to power is the way you relate to everything around and within you–your work, your people, your sense of what’s possible. And most of us have never actually examined that relationship.

And in this season we are in, when everything is changing so quickly, any unexamined beliefs we hold will quietly run the show. They will shape the risks we take, the rooms we walk into, and the moments we either step up or shrink back. 

If we don’t have something to ground us internally to our values, our body, our nervous system, and our beliefs, we run the risk of looking to external validation and trying to control everyone and everything around us. We do damage control and play nice at the expense of real connection and progress.

Which is why I am thrilled to welcome back Dr. Amanda Aguilera to talk more about the Right Use of Power framework for personal power and her new book, Shaping Power for Good: Wayfinding to Right Relationship. She reminds us that staying rooted and using our personal power for good isn’t a box to be checked, but a continuous practice and commitment to ourselves and our relationships. 

Dr. Amanda Aguilera currently serves as the Executive Director of the Right Use of Power Institute and co-leader of Sacred Wayfinding. She has dedicated most of her career to helping people and organizations understand systems, conflict, and social power dynamics to create right relationships and a sense of belonging. She has a knack for making difficult conversations easier, complex ideas more accessible, and resistance more workable. Integrating power, contemplative practices, neurobiology, and restorative practices, she works by finding a balance of head and heart and facilitating the co-creation of strategic maps that lead us forward in a more equitable way.

 

 

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Defining the six core types of power through the lens of relationships to others, ourselves, and the collective
• How four essential aspects of being in right relationship show up in us and others
• Why checking in on power and relationships starts with connecting to our bodies 
• How committing to being in right relationship helps us overcome how we’ve been socialized to access power and belonging
• Why right relationship fundamentally starts with ourselves, our boundaries, and our values
• How each of us can use our power for good, conscientiously and in alignment with our values

 

Learn more about Dr. Amanda Aguilera:

• Right Use of Power Institute
• Instagram: @rightuseofpowerinstitute
• Shaping Power for Good: Wayfinding to Right Relationship

 

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• The Unburdened Leader on Substack
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

 

Resources:

• Parenthood
• EP 88: Right-Use-of-Power: Navigating Leadership Dynamics with Dr. Cedar Barstow
• EP 125: Power, Regulation, and Leadership: Connecting to Your Personal Power with Dr. Amanda Aguilera
• Belonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides, Geoffrey L. Cohen
• EP 149: Interrupting the Fawning Trauma Response: Leadership, Safety, and Self-Trust with Dr. Ingrid Clayton
• Maya Angelou’s 1992 Commencement Address at Spelman College
• In the Absence of the Ordinary Soul Work for Times of Uncertainty, Francis Weller
• Chico Gospel – ma muse
• Hannah Gadsby

 

Favorite Moments

“Power is not an object we possess. It’s a relational dynamic.”

“Personal power is our birthright.”

“When we’re disconnected from our bodies, we disconnect from wisdom.”

“Right relationship is not a checkbox. It’s something you constantly wayfind toward.”

“You know in your body when something feels right and when it doesn’t.”

“Niceness can be deeply violent.”

“We pretend in order to belong.”

“Power isn’t a pie.”

“When we see power as a possession instead of a relationship, we do harm.”

“Systems only feel all-powerful when we forget we’re connected to something larger.”

“Rooted personal power feels like standing in your strength while staying in your heart.”

“Generative conflict is required for real relationship.”

“We can’t have right relationship without authentic feedback.”

“Many people have never experienced actual relationship—only pseudo-relationship.”

“If a relationship continuously disconnects you from your rooted self, it’s not right relationship.”

“Down power does not mean no power.”

“When we abandon our personal power, we become puppets for systems.”

“Belonging changes when we stop performing for it.”

“Shame becomes fragility when it eclipses responsibility.”

“If I abandon my responsibility, someone with less power has to carry it.”

“Double-loop learning asks us to examine the beliefs underneath our actions.”

“We keep trying to solve problems through action without examining the paradigm creating them.”

“Right use of power is not about perfection. It’s about conscious participation.”

“The body knows before the intellect catches up.”

Conversation Highlights

03:00 — The Six Types of Power
Amanda breaks down personal, role, status, systemic, collective, and universal power—and why understanding power relationally changes everything.

07:00 — Why Power Feels So Loaded
How most people associate power with harm, domination, or abuse—and why reframing power as neutral can feel so activating.

09:00 — Socialized Power vs Rooted Power
The difference between performing who systems taught us to be versus accessing grounded, values-aligned personal power.

11:00 — What Rooted Personal Power Feels Like
Amanda shares the somatic experience of rootedness, connection, stability, and staying aligned while remaining open-hearted.

13:00 — Why This Work Cannot Stay Intellectual
Rebecca and Amanda explore why nervous system work, embodiment, and somatic awareness are essential to practicing ethical power.

15:00 — What “Right Relationship” Actually Means
Why right relationship is not perfection, agreement, or “getting it right,” but an ongoing, mutual, embodied process.

18:00 — How to Check In on a Relationship
Practical ways to notice when something feels off through body awareness, spiritual connection, and authentic communication.

20:00 — “Why Am I Doing This If No One Else Is?”
A conversation about burnout, discouragement, and staying aligned with your values even when systems feel overwhelming.

24:00 — The Violence of Niceness
Amanda explains how over-accommodation, pseudo-relationship, and fawning disconnect us from truth and authentic belonging.

26:00 — The Messy Truth of Power Between People
How scarcity, fear, and socialization shape the way power moves relationally—and why healing requires more honesty.

29:00 — Can Ending a Relationship Be Right Relationship?
What it means to stay connected to yourself when boundaries are repeatedly violated.

31:00 — Up Power, Down Power & Personal Agency
Why lacking status or role power does not erase personal power—and how oppressed people cultivate rooted strength.

35:00 — Shaping Power for Good in Real Time
Amanda shares how we “shape power” moment by moment by staying aligned with values instead of giving ourselves over to systems.

37:00 — Fragility, Responsibility & Leadership
The difference between vulnerability and fragility—and why leadership requires staying connected to responsibility even when uncomfortable.

40:00 — Double-Loop Learning Explained Simply
How real transformation happens when we examine the beliefs underneath our repeated patterns instead of only changing behavior.

42:00 — Quick Fire Favorites
Books, music, Care Bears, money mindset shifts, parenting, and Amanda’s surprisingly strong opinion on self-defense training.

Closing Reflection

This conversation invites us to rethink power completely.

Not as domination.
Not as status.
Not as something some people deserve more than others.

But as relationship.

Relationship with ourselves.
Relationship with other people.
Relationship with systems.
Relationship with something larger than ourselves.

And perhaps most importantly:

👉 The ability to stay rooted in who we are while staying open-hearted in connection with others.

Because right relationship isn’t static.

It’s practiced.
Embodied.
Repaired.
Revisited.
And continually wayfound toward.

Reflection Prompt

Where in your life are you performing belonging instead of practicing rooted relationship?