Conflict and discomfort are inevitable–in all areas of our work and life. 

Now, most of us carry some kind of relational or betrayal trauma.

And these burdens impact how we lead and move through conflict, discomfort, and difference. 

So when a rupture happens, there is often a rush to find comfort with some kind of a bid for repair. But if we do not do the work to reflect on our own systems’ needs first, we can end up doing more harm and continue to feel hooked by a situation.

Without this internal reflection, we can often default to actions that result in the opposite of our desired intention.

But this work gives us more choices and when we have more choices, we are less likely to feel trapped, panicked, and stuck. 

And when we feel like we have more agency in our relationships, we feel more connected and close to those we lead and love. 

Toni Herbine-Blank is the founder and director of the Intimacy from the Inside Out© training programs. She is a senior trainer for IFS-I and has been developing curriculum for the application of IFS to couples therapy for many years. She teaches nationally and internationally, delivering workshops and trainings for therapists interested in using IFS with multiple systems. She has co-authored two books on her methodology and enjoys time with her partner and her animals in the mountains of Durango, Colorado where she lives.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why the ability to differentiate ourselves from our partnerships is necessary for connection
• Why the Intimacy from the Inside Out process starts with a U-turn toward the self
• How the U-turn subverts the protective urge to blame and shame in moments of conflict
• How our early wounds around getting our needs met impact our adult relationships
• Why shame is the most common source of relationship rupture
• Why the existence of conflict in a relationship isn’t the problem, but the way we pursue repair can be

Learn more about Toni Herbine-Blank:

• Website
• Instagram: @intimacyinsideout

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Nonwhite and Woman: 131 Micro Essays on Being in the World