What comes up for you when you think about conflict?

For most of us, our reaction to real or perceived conflict happens before we even realize it or know why.

The way we respond to conflict is shaped by our histories and temperaments, and it shapes how we lead ourselves and others. And if you have a fraught relationship with conflict, the real work isn’t becoming comfortable with conflict, it’s learning to stay with discomfort when you experience friction, rejection, or blowback.

We have to learn not to personalize disagreement and update our internal narratives, coping strategies, and protective systems so that we can show up with more vulnerability, but without taking ourselves out.

Easier said than done, as my guest today can attest. Ross Oakes Mueller is a dear friend, colleague, and psychology professor and researcher, who describes himself as conflict-avoidant by temperament. He joins me for a conversation reflecting on his regular rumble with conflict avoidance, what it really means to forgive, and what keeps us stuck in patterns of avoidance, resentment, and disconnection.

Dr. Ross A. Oakes Mueller is a Professor of Psychology at Point Loma Nazarene University, where he has taught since 2007. His teaching and research focus on moral psychology and character development, with courses exploring virtue formation, moral emotions, the science of moral change, and the integration of psychological science with narrative and literary perspectives to foster empathy, self-understanding, and prosocial growth.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How Ross’s formative understanding of conflict and reconciliation led to years of self-denial and repressing his anger and grief
• How he’s learned to recognize and tune in when he’s suppressing negative emotions
• Unpacking the differences between decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness
• Why experiencing grief is a vital part of coming to emotional forgiveness
• What we know about the neuropsychology of empathy, its real limitations, and why it’s still not a bad thing
• Two beliefs that often block our ability to emotionally forgive

Learn more about Dr. Ross Oakes Mueller:

• Faculty Page
• Connect on LinkedIn

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• The Unburdened Leader on Substack
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Piranesi, Susanna Clarke
• Mumford & Sons, Chris Stapleton – Here
• Hamnet
• The Wonder Years