It is hard to be human. And right now, it is even harder to be humane, to ourselves and to others.

And so many high-achieving, deeply caring leaders are under pressure to stay regulated, calm, and adaptable, no matter what they’re facing. They look serene on the outside, but internally? They feel like a hot mess.

They mask what they’re feeling and push through so they can try to be the person, friend, leader they want to be. They fake regulation at the expense of their actual wellbeing.

As the language of modalities like IFS and polyvagal theory has spread into the culture to help and support individuals and teams, I see how the language of these powerful concepts can also be distorted and even weaponized to police others instead of leading to generative change.

When people talk about the parts work or nervous system regulation but don’t really live it and practice it, they end up encouraging self-editing, silencing, and hyper vigilance .

This way of using the language of these modalities is the exact opposite of cultivating the safety, connection, and building practices that support adaptive and resilient systems.

In my latest Unburdened Leader podcast episode, polyvagal-theory expert Deb Dana is back to talk with me about what the culture so often gets wrong about nervous system regulation, why we need to plan for how to approach repair and reconnection when we inevitably make mistakes, and how to protect our compassion and curiosity about all the other kinds of nervous systems we encounter out in the world.

Deb Dana, LCSW, is a clinician, consultant, author, and international lecturer on polyvagal theory-informed work with trauma survivors and is the leading translator of this scientific work to the public and mental health professionals. She’s a founding member of the Polyvagal Institute and creator of the signature Rhythm of Regulation® clinical training series.

Deb’s work shows us how understanding polyvagal theory applies across the board to relationships, mental health, and trauma. She delves into the intricacies of how we can all use and understand the organizing principles of polyvagal theory to change the ways we navigate our daily lives.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why we can’t ignore our fundamental need for connection and co-regulation
• How leaders can take steps to acknowledge and normalize the diversity of nervous systems and needs on their teams
• How to plan ahead for moments when you feel disconnected or dysregulated
• Why the goal is not to be regulated at all times and shifting states is just data
• Why identifying the worries underlying our patterns of states and behaviors is the first step to shifting them
• Why leaders need to tend to their own systems, both for their wellbeing and to model safety for others

Learn more about Deb Dana:

• Rhythm of Regulation

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• The Unburdened Leader on Substack
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth, Amy C. Edmondson
• Stephen Porges
• Polyvagal-Informed Restorative Movement: Psychotherapy Roots, Rhythm, and Reciprocity, Amber Elizabeth Gray
• Project Hail Mary
• Field of Dreams