Humans tend to crave certainty. In the face of the unknown, we rely on prescriptions and narratives to help us feel better and make sense of what we can’t yet see coming.

For many, sitting with uncertainty like what we are facing now, post-election in the United States, is deeply unsettling and even destabilizing. They brace for what might come next, anxious and ruminating, and looking for answers. 

It’s a natural human response, but it can also leave us stuck in a loop that offers no comfort, only more fear and anxiety.

People will look to the leaders around them for comfort and for answers. And while you may not be able to provide the definitive answers anyone seeks, you can help those you lead and love feel supported and grounded as we all navigate these difficult times.

Today, I’m sharing strategies, practices, and thoughts that can help us move through uncertainty, for ourselves and the ones we love and lead.

 

 

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How and why to establish “certainty anchors” for those you lead
• Why an honest, compassionate presence is more beneficial than pretending you have all the answers
• Why we need to balance courage and comfort, and the fine line between caring and caretaking
• Why finding grounding routines is essential, no matter how small or scrappy or imperfect
• How claiming your personal power and agency will help you feel less stuck
• How we build trust and resilience in our relationships amidst uncertainty

 

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Follow the Unburdened Leader on Substack
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

 

Resources:

• Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené Brown
• EP 114: Why Bother? Navigating Burnout and Rediscovering Purpose with Jennifer Louden
• EP 88: Right-Use-of-Power: Navigating Leadership Dynamics with Dr. Cedar Barstow
• Diary of a Freelancer, Amanda Jones
• Hope, Despair, and Wellbeing Intelligence – by Jen Fisher
• EP 117: Rethinking Resilience: Moving from Bouncing Back to Relational Resilience with Soraya Chemaly
• EP 113:  Curiosity as a Bridge: Uncovering Fears and Building Connections with Scott Shigeoka

 

Transcript:

Rebecca Ching: Hello, everyone. Now, because of the nature of podcasting and producing podcasts, I often have to plan for episodes that I drop well in advance because of the systems we have in place aligning with my schedule and the scheduling needs of the incredible production team I work with. We’re not really set up for being nimble to respond to current events quickly, but I wanted to get something to you sooner than later, as it didn’t feel true or honest or authentic to not have some reflection to you all in this moment in time but, more importantly, it just didn’t feel right to just go on as business as usual with the podcast because I’m asking people not to push through and do business as usual and not expect business as usual, so I want to practice that myself. And I’m grateful my production team was able to be nimble themselves so we could get this to you in between our regularly scheduled episodes.

And I’ll be doing some more of these reflections in the year to come. But I also want to invite you to sign up for my soon-to-be-launching Substack called The Unburdened Leader. You can find my by even just Googling “Unburdened Leader” and my name “Rebecca Ching” on Substack. It’s free. There will be options for investing in some additional things, but right now I don’t have a paywall for anything that I’ll be sharing. I also want to encourage you, if you haven’t already, to subscribe to this podcast and stay connected here. I’m excited to have a space on Substack where we’ll be able to talk about things that we’re talking about on the podcast more in real-time too.

So, onward with some thoughts. Just know I’m thinking about you. I appreciate you, and I’m with you.

[Inspirational Intro Music]

I was driving my daughter to her volunteer site this morning, and she was asking, again, about when she’d finally be able to drive. And like any 16-year-old, she is eager for more freedom. And her beautiful, amazing, neurodivergent brain craves an exceptional amount of certainty, and she wants to know precisely when it will happen. Her questioning repeats because she feels impatient and uncomfortable with not knowing.

2:12

So in our conversation, I broke it down with her: “What will help get you driving?” We identified two main things. First, putting in the hours, the reps. I reminded her that in general people say it takes around 100 hours to master a skill. So we decided a goal of 30 hours for now, something she could track and use to measure progress. And the second thing was her mental wellbeing, how she’s managing her anxiety, strengthening her focus, and practicing sitting with discomfort. We discussed ways she can track these too. Is she doing the same, worse, or better in her focus and mood each day?

Then I encouraged her to do the YOU-turn to look inward for reassurance before turning outward. I want her to learn how she can check in with herself first then ask for support from me and her dad if needed. This way she keeps moving toward her goal of driving anchored in her own agency and still leans on the supports around her but not at the expectation that building up her self-trust and self-reflection will be solely dedicated to others.

This conversation with my daughter made me think about what so many of us are experiencing now post-election. We’re looking outward, asking questions about the election results, wondering what lies ahead with the new administration, seeking comfort in certainty and prescriptions and narratives that help us feel better. People understandably crave certainty in the face of so much unknown, and for some this uncertainty is understandably deeply unsettling.

Now, for some I know, I see people who aren’t as worried and feel insulated from potential impacts. But many of us are bracing for tough realities.

4:02

Anxiety in the future is driving rumination, and that’s natural. As a trauma-informed therapist and leadership coach, I know that seeking certainty in an uncertain world is a typical human response. But when we constantly seek answers outside of ourselves, we can get stuck in a loop that offers little comfort.

So here’s what I want to offer you, dear leader. People will look to you for comfort, and they may want definitive answers that you can’t provide. Just as I couldn’t guarantee my daughter when exactly she’ll be ready to drive, you might be unable to tell those you lead what the future holds. You very likely won’t be able to tell them that. But you can help them feel grounded and supported, first by establishing what I call certainty anchors for yourself and those you lead. Certainty anchors are tangible actions or practices like journaling, regular check-ins that provide a sense of progress and grounding. But they also are frameworks, they’re mantras, and basic information reminders that can help you stay online in your nervous system and connected with yourself and others with what you’re experiencing in the moment.

Now, those around us will look to us for reassurance, and as leaders we may feel pressure to provide certainty. But what’s more valuable is offering honest, compassionate presence. If you’re uncertain, say so. Acknowledge what you do know, even if it’s just the coming months will bring challenges we can’t fully anticipate. But then offer what you can and will do for them and what is not available to you.

Now, protecting through denying, minimizing, rationalizing, and justifying risks is common, especially when things feel so overwhelming. But our systems do this to protect us, right, to avoid distress.

6:04

These responses to vulnerability (again, denial, justification, minimizing, rationalizing) are normal. However, we must be cautious because if we rely too much on these protective habits, they can prevent us from acknowledging the full reality, which might hurt those we lead and love, including ourselves.

Now, I love this Brené Brown well-known quote: “We can choose courage. We can choose comfort. But we can’t have both at the same time.” Yes, we need courage now more than ever, and courage is a big word that gets tossed around a lot, right? I want to make it actionable in the spaces I show up while also honoring the need for comfort. In her book Daring Greatly, Brené quotes Unburdened Leader alumni guest Jen Loudon on how we can find comfort in a bite of chocolate but we’re numbing when we eat the whole bar, and that’s paraphrasing it, basically.

Now, I want to just kind of put a little notation here. I am not a big fan of making food good or bad, but I think this is a good illustration of ways we can comfort on repeat, at least think about comforting on repeat without harming ourselves and others. And I’m in no way — let me be clear — demonizing you if you default to whatever your figurative eating-the-whole-bar-of-chocolate is. If it happens, it happens. It may have already happened this last week. It may be happening right now. But I want you to look at this as data. And if you’re constantly comforting to the point of numbing, then this is a call to action that you must ensure you get the support you need, because we have a long haul ahead, and we need you, and you are needed.

Some people in your circles of influence may already feel down for the count, hypervigilant, and may be functioning at a low level as they move through deep, understandable feelings of betrayal.

8:02

Now, we can offer compassion and patience without falling into care-taking mode. And I’ll be saying more about this in the future on this show, but it will be very important for you to be clear on the difference between being a caring leader and not a caretaking leader. Caring is how we move towards suffering out of compassion. it’s aligned with our values. Caretaking is a way we provide comfort to ourselves from hurt, suffering, and discomfort by trying to over-function and over-accommodate those around us who are hurting. We want to make them feel better, so we feel better, and it’s an understandable response, y’all. I feel it on the regular. But caretaking shuts down hard conversations. It shuts down vulnerability and emotional intimacy, and we need to be able to access hard conversations, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy right now.

Here’s something to keep in mind. The rhythms and reps that we put in place build trust and the capacity for relational resilience. The smallest habits, the “boring things” that may seem insignificant can stabilize forces in times of upheaval. My daughter’s goal of tracking driving hours is a certainty anchor for her. It’s not about rushing to the finish line but about trusting the process, and let’s be careful not to say, “Just trust the process,” okay? I just want to be clear on that. But I know that’s a huge ask for many right now, so these rhythms give our nervous system something familiar to hold onto.

So think about what are some grounding routines, grounding rhythms and reps that you can return to on a daily basis that will pay dividends back to you over time and to those that you love and lead. For me, it’s kind of super boring and basic. It’s my morning water and movement, my morning pages, time of personal reflection, dance parties are very essential (to my teenagers’ chagrin), hugs with my husband, Voxers with a couple of my close friends, music blaring, and anything where I can be near or in the water are some of my rhythms and reps that I work in on the daily and weekly level.

10:19

Keep these simple, tangible, easy so they can be repeatable. We’re not here in the performance Olympics. Perfection’s not allowed. This is scrappy time, folks.

I also want to remind you that personal power is something we all possess yet often forget or reject it. I am grateful for Unburdened Leader guest alumni, Cedar Barstow and her Right Use of Power work. I will be going back to this work on repeat in the near future and will be sharing more about it too. Now, more than ever though, personal power involves leaning into our agency. It’s our choices. When we feel helpless and are in despair, we feel trapped. A trapped nervous system shuts down and lashes out or lashes in or both, okay? Sometimes every choice on the table might feel deeply uncomfortable or be terrible, but we need to hold onto the fact and remind ourselves and others we have choices. Even in these tough times, though, we can exercise agency by making small, maybe tiny value-aligned decisions to not go there thinking, “It won’t make a difference.” We have to try.

I know many people who have experienced violence and betrayal and dehumanization have a complicated relationship with power. But Cedar’s framework on personal power is something that we are born with and is neutral and essential to hold onto and claim regardless of how those with role power and status power use their power. We need not give up our personal power just because others are abusing their role and status power.

12:03

And those of us with role power (titles that we have in our workplace) and status power (meaning the identities we hold, particularly how they relate to dominant culture), it is on us with role and status power to look out for and advocate for those who do not have role and status power and can be harmed by others abusing it. This is where dissenting and courage, imagination, and adaptability will continue to be needed.

Now, I find comfort when someone is honest, even when they say, “I don’t know, Rebecca.” We need to be truthful with each other. We may not fully know the impact of what’s coming, but we can offer one another the comfort of shared presence and reassurance in the face of uncertainty together. And let me say, there are those I know that are very, very acquainted with what is coming, right? And those of us who are not, listen. Listen to those who have lived this and continue to live it, frankly.

Another truth is that we’re in a liminal space. We’re in a time of in between, and that can bring up a lot of vulnerability too. Now, Amanda Jones, who I have a beautiful interview with dropping soon, says in her book Diary of a Freelancer that it’s often in the mundane routines, the small acts that we earn the badge of trustworthy, a badge more valuable than most. And that’s what our nervous systems need in the strange, in-between periods. So again, those rhythms and reps are crucial.

And I also read Jen Fisher’s Substack piece on hope, despair, and wellbeing, and she said that as leaders, our growth is inseparable from collective wellbeing, and I loved that. We must do our YOU-turns and returns with those we love and lead as we care for ourselves and others. It’s not all me. It’s not all about you. It’s both to support relational resilience, as Unburdened Leader guest Soraya Chemaly calls us to.

14:07

And depending on the burdens we’re carrying, both individually and collectively, this may be windy and require a lot of patience, compassion, and support. So let’s choose the rhythms and reps we’ll put in place even if they’re mundane. Those simple practices build trustworthiness, not only with others but also with ourselves, signaling to our nervous system that we can handle hard things. This lays the foundation for adaptability, courage, curiosity, and the ability to dissent in uncertain times.

Our ability to stay connected to our values and maintain a critical mass of self-leadership hinges on doing our own work, the basics, right? Feeding well, moving well, resting, hydrating, and talking to ourselves well, those are some of the foundations in continuing to do the deep work to help my system stay as unburdened as possible. These are foundational practices. They aren’t hacks. They’re basics. These are also my certainty anchor mantras. I do them imperfectly but regularly tend to them when I feel so much is out of control.

And lastly, let’s protect our curiosity, as another Unburdened Leader guest alumni, Scott Shigeoka, urged in his work in book Seek, and listen to his episode (it’s so good), and practice bridge-building when possible. This does not mean letting everyone into our space. Sometimes we need a drawbridge to filter access to us, which is a healthy boundary. And if someone is protecting themselves by having the drawbridge up indefinitely, respect that choice. Check in on them but don’t push.

Finally, I recently recorded an Unburdened Leader podcast conversation with Deb Dana. She is a wise and experienced voice of all things Polyvagal theory, which is founded by Dr. Stephen Porges.

16:04

And she reminded me that we can’t stay “online” all the time. We’ll need to tap out at points to find our own comfort. So I want you to think about who you can lean on when you need a break and who you might lean on when you need to tap out. This might be in your workplace, family, community, school, wherever. Be explicit and talk to these people. Contract with each other about your needs regarding whatever’s coming up. Note how you’re doing in life. Note how you’re doing at work. Normalize asking for help. Normalize taking a break. Normalize being honest about what you can and can’t do. This is essential.

[Sigh] All right, y’all. I have no — I’m not gonna offer you a pithy sign off for this last-minute episode, but I just want to say I feel more committed than ever to supporting you in unburdening yourself and the systems you have in place and helping offer some tools, some practices, some insight, some comfort wherever you work and lead, because adaptability, courage, imagination, and dissenting can’t thrive without a sense of agency, and agency can’t exist if we’re disconnected and overwhelmed, especially from our personal power.

So let’s support each other as best we can, tap back into our agency, hold space for courage, and offer comfort through honesty and compassion as we navigate a very uncertain future together, and this is the ongoing work of an Unburdened Leader.

[Inspirational Music]

Thank you so much for joining this last-minute episode of The Unburdened Leader. You can find this episode, show notes, and free Unburdened Leader resources along with ways to work with me and sign up for my new Substack at www.rebeccaching.com. And this episode was produced by the incredible team at Yellow House Media!

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