As the United States approaches one of the most important elections, many people I know are expressing how the current state of affairs is affecting their work, home life, and overall well-being.

With the stress and the chaos, it would be easy to shut down and ask, “Why bother?”

This is why it feels especially timely to bring back my long-time friend, Iowa state representative and state house minority leader, Jennifer Konfrst, to the podcast.

Whether it’s a major election, a looming work deadline, or a personal goal, we all carry heavy responsibilities on top of what’s happening in our country. I wanted to talk to Jennifer about how she finds the strength to keep going, even when the victories are hard-won or the losses are break-your-heart big.

Jennifer shares her not-so-secret recipe for staying true to her values and community, staying open and seeking support, which helps her avoid falling into despair and hopelessness. 

Her perspective is a source of hope, motivation, and a call to keep fighting that many of us need right now.

Jennifer Konfrst teaches public relations & strategic political communication courses at Drake University in Des Moines, IA. Before joining the Drake journalism faculty in 2013, she worked in public relations for 20 years, most recently at Iowa Public Television. 

She also serves as an Iowa House of Representatives member, representing the 43rd district since 2019. She is the House minority leader, a position she has held since 2021, and she is the first woman to hold this position in Iowa.

 

 

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• What the Iowa Supreme Court ruling on abortion taught Jennifer about showing up even when you’re devastated and angry
• The self-care that is essential for Jennifer in the face of setbacks and struggles at the State House
• How Jennifer builds trust in her leadership with her caucus in her role as House Minority Leader
• How consistently highlighting and celebrating even small wins helps keep people motivated
• How her personal healing work has helped Jennifer allow for disagreement and conflict within her caucus
• The challenges of trust with voters, representatives across the aisle, and within her party
• The case for getting and staying engaged in politics, especially at the local level

 

Learn more about Jennifer Konfrst:

• Website
• Instagram: @KonfrstForHouse
• Twitter: @KonfrstForHouse

 

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

 

Resources:

• EP 114: Why Bother? Navigating Burnout and Rediscovering Purpose with Jennifer Louden
• EP 30: Committing to Being an Engaged Leader and Engaged Citizen with Iowa State Rep. Jennifer Konfrst
• The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work, Charles Feltman
• Taylor Swift – The Man
• The Chicks – March March
• The West Wing
• Schitt’s Creek
• Parks and Recreation

 

Transcript:

[Inspirational Intro Music]

Jennifer Konfrst: And as a woman, leading with anger or sadness are things that you have to be particularly careful about, right? But I also found that by showing that anger, showing that sadness, people felt seen and heard in ways that maybe they didn’t before, like  I’m always the one giving them the rah-rah, and if I’m upset, then they’re not crazy for being that way too. The two things I learned are it’s sometimes okay to lead with anger and sadness and I need support as much as I give it.

Rebecca Ching: Now, this podcast is dropping less than two weeks before one of the most consequential elections in The United States coming up in November of 2024. And whether you’re listening to this as it drops now, in a week, in a month, in a year or more, the points that my Unburdened Leader guest discussed in this episode, I believe, are timeless. I know this is for me, but I suspect this is for you. As someone who wears many hats in how I support people as a psychotherapist, a leadership coach, a consultant, a parent, a partner, a neighbor, a citizen, just to name a few, right (you get it), in all of these relationships I have with the incredible people I’m privileged to work with and support, everyone I know in some capacity shares with me how being alive and adulting in 2024 is impacting their capacity negatively at work, at home, and in their wellbeing.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my recent Unburdened Leader episode with Jennifer Loudon. Her episode about her approach to flipping the script on a familiar phrase “why bother” when we feel shut down, cynical, overwhelmed, and then my mind goes to my lifelong friend and friend of the podcast Jennifer Konfrst. She serves as the minority leader in Iowa and continues to fight for what she believes in without skipping a beat despite many falls and many failures. I’ve watched her fight day in and day out as an elected official, and I watch her with wonder on how she keeps fighting the cynicism of “why bother.”

2:21

It felt important, especially at this time, to invite her back on the podcast so we could hear how she continues to move forward and why she chooses to fight and not give up when victories are small, difficult to achieve, and often not even visible to others. I wanted to ask her about her secret sauce, which turns out is not so secret and just putting in the reps that are deeply grounded in her values, community, vulnerability, and support. I knew this would be adventurous because so many people I know carry the weight of adulting right now while still desiring to stay committed but dance with burnout and the pull to check out.

Whether it’s a seasonal or big election, or a big deadline at work, or something you’re working on or towards with others, we all carry many weighty responsibilities in addition to what’s happening here in The United States. I suspected you would value hearing from a leader like Jennifer. So I wanted to ask her how she’s doing, not just the surface spin. And y’all, she boldly shared how she’s moving through loss after loss after loss, and not just ego losses but those kind of break-your-heart losses that bring you to a place of despair and lead you to dance with hopelessness. I thought it was really important to talk about how she cares for her mental health while leading her team and her caucus and caring deeply for those that she serves in her state. She did not disappoint in her powerful reflections. It’s no surprise that Jennifer shared how she befriends her grief, which helps her rise again and again.

4:07

I also wanted to talk with Jennifer about how she builds trust with her caucus and constituents, not only who voted for her but those who disagree with her. Her answers left me hopeful, motivated, and even challenged me in the best of ways, and I suspect it’ll do the same for you. Some of her answers reminded me of Charles Feltman’s Little Book of Trust in which he discusses four components of fostering trust: care, reliability, sincerity, and competence. He writes that the most impactful component of trust is care, meaning that the people under your charge believe that you care about them as much as you care about yourself and the organization where you make decisions. Now, when you care consistently and the people feel and see that care, things shift in a relationship, and when you choose to be a caring leader of service, it doesn’t mean you’re not gonna have conflict.

I can’t wait for you to get to know Jennifer and learn from her, and if you have yet to listen to her first episode on The Unburdened Leader a few years ago, we’ll make sure to link it in the show notes. Let me tell you a little bit about Jennifer.

Jennifer teaches public relations and strategic political communication courses at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. Go Bulldogs! Before joining the Drake journalism faculty in 2013, she worked in public relations for 20 years, most recently at Iowa Public Television. She also serves as an Iowa House of Representatives member representing the 43rd District since 2019, and she’s the House Minority Leader, a position she has held since 2021, and she is the first woman to hold this position in Iowa.

5:58

Okay, when you’re listening to this conversation, listen for when Jennifer talks about how she’s working on owning and embracing the fact she needs support as much as she gives support.

6:12

Pay attention to when Jennifer talks about how her anger and grief fuel her in generative ways, particularly in how it helps others feel seen. And notice when Jennifer talks about the importance of managing expectations within herself, her caucus, and her constituents and how she approaches setting these expectations as a means of maintaining relationships and connections along with protecting her own wellbeing. This is gold. All right, y’all, now please welcome back leader Jennifer Konfrst to The Unburdened Leader podcast!

All right, Jennifer (in your professional circles) leader Konfrst. Welcome back to The Unburdened Leader podcast!

Jennifer Konfrst: I’m thrilled to be here! Thanks for having me back. And Jennifer. You better call me Jennifer this whole call! [Laughs]

Rebecca Ching: I will. I just have a thing, especially with women, I want to acknowledge titles. I think that’s so important to do. But yeah, you and I have known each other for too long. If I just slip back into Leader Konfrst you’d be like, “Weirdo! What’re you doing?” [Laughs]

Jennifer Konfrst: Exactly! Exactly!

Rebecca Ching: You’ve been on my mind a lot; I suspect partly in part because I’ve known you for a long time. You and I both went to the same undergrad. When I was working in DC, you did an internship in the office I worked in in the Senate, and we’ve stayed in touch over the years. I have a lot, a lot of respect for you.

But of late, you’ve been on my mind as now the Minority Leader in the Iowa House Caucus fighting for the things that you believe in so much. And so, I want to get under the hood a little bit of what it’s like. Because I think partly because I have such a still probably grounded idealism of civic work and I see how our culture forgets that they’re human beings leading in civic spaces, and I just can’t think of a better person to talk a little bit more about being a human leading in the political space.

8:28

Actually probably the thing that struck me to reach out saying I want you to come back on the show, I think it was later summer of 2024, the Iowa Supreme Court decided to uphold a ruling keeping the six-week abortion ban, and you’re someone that — you’re very authentic. You are consistent. But you’ve always been fairly measured and, “Here’s what’s going on. Here’s what we’re gonna do and go team.” But you hopped onto social media visibly shook right after this ruling came down, and I just want you to take us back to that moment and share what went through your mind when you heard this ruling?

Jennifer Konfrst: Yeah, thank you. I’m thrilled to be here and to have this conversation. And I think it is important. I try to lead intentionally and visibly and transparently. So I appreciate the conversation.

That day — we have taken abortion bans in this state to court (we, collectively) eight times. And we’ve won seven, and so, certainly no one thought, “Well, this will be just like that.” But we also had never felt the finality of a Supreme Court decision thudding in our hearts the way it did. That day was really rough. You can expect it, you can know it, but when it really happens it’s particularly devastating.

My thought went immediately, of course, to the women who needed care, and I remember when the special session happened before the injunction, there were women who were getting called to say they had to cancel their appointments, and that was devastating to me just thinking about those women. And I just — this has been the cause of my life. The first ever political action I ever did was a pro-choice rally with my minister in eighth grade. And so, reproductive freedom is sort of the core cause of my life, and it was devastating to realize. You know, almost worse than Dobbs because the impact was going to be so immediate and so dangerous and so scary. I was devastated.

10:29

I will tell you, after I lost my first race and after I lost I didn’t go to the women’s march in 2017. Remember when everybody came together and said protect the Trump election? I didn’t go because I was so angry that I had been telling people for 18 months that this was going to happen, and nobody took me seriously and certainly only in my little microcosm of a community. I was just too mad. Like, “Yeah, where were you all?” right, is how I felt. Just to be honest. Now, of course, I look back, and it was a great moment. But in the moment I was angry.

I almost didn’t go to a solidarity circle that night. We had solidarity circles around the state. I almost didn’t go because it was just too much. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop feeling devastated and hopeless, and I thought, “I need to go lead, and I can’t lead right now. I’m not in a place where I can lead with hope.” What I found was when I forced myself to go that, of course, leading with anger and leading with resolve is also powerful. And so, that’s what I ended up doing. But it was a devastating day. It was devastating, and I almost didn’t post the video of me crying, and my team really pushed me to do so because it was real, and it made a lot of people feel that they weren’t alone. So if it had that effect, I’m glad, but it was vulnerable to say the least.

Rebecca Ching: You say this particular issue has been something that was kind of your first foray into politics when you were in eighth grade, right? I mean, my kids are a little older, but they’re in ninth and eleventh, and so, this is something that’s been very dear to you personally.

12:04

Say more about what it was about this particular ruling that hit deeper than other past losses? Because I just want to — you’re in Iowa. You’re in the minority. Getting stuff done hasn’t been — it’s been a slog. But what was it about this one that hit deeper than other past losses?

Jennifer Konfrst: In many ways, it was the finality of it and the quickness of it, right? The fact that a terrible bill passes in Iowa in March, it doesn’t go into effect until July. So when we had a terrible bill that banned gender affirming care for minors, we had from March until July to come up with resources for people to help people get the care they needed in other states, to feel like we were doing something to address the situation before we could change the policy. With this it was just we don’t know if the injunction’s gonna be lifted in five minutes, in a day. It ended up being about six weeks. And it was just the finality of it. It was the fact that someone who — I mean, I remember I said at the solidarity circle, “Someone will be assaulted tonight and will not be able to get care in six weeks because she won’t know she’s pregnant yet.” And that is devastating to me. It just hit home on such a personal level.

Back in the nineties, I followed this issue. Back in the nineties I was a clinic escort at the Planned Parenthood here in Des Moines where I’m from, and that’s when they were shooting up doctors. And so, for me, the evolution of the issue has also been one that I’ve watched with a lot of interest. Reproductive freedom, at the end of the day, is what truly triggers me and motivates me. And they had tried to ban IVF this year. You know, they had done some other things that I feel like that’s coming next, and normally you can find hope. But with such a quick turnaround, it was just really hard to see that in that moment.

Probably being a mom of two kids made me feel like it felt like it sealed the casket on them ever moving back to Iowa too. There were some personal feelings there.

14:01

And then I did go up to Mankato, Minnesota and visited a Planned Parenthood clinic there that 50% of their patients now are from Iowa, and I sort of got to see the journey of having to drive to Mankato, having to take off a day of school. First period — having to be cramping in your first-period desk. All of that stuff for me. It’s just very personal for me and for the people who are gonna struggle with this. So I think that’s what made it different. The quickness of it, of course, a long time but quickness, and then just the myriad impacts that it was just really hard to dig out of a little bit.

Rebecca Ching: You kind of referenced back to 2017 and not going to the women’s march because you were mad, you were angry. You’re like, “Y’all. Y’all. Some of this is on you too.” And that was just because you felt like you were talking to a wall, and then you almost didn’t go to the circles, the healing circles that were going on after this ruling, and you ended up going and realizing — I love this, it’s really powerful — realizing that leading through anger and through that pain can be also effective.

But I do think there are a lot of leaders that are always censoring, like it’s not okay to show emotion, especially those that are female, right? It’s not okay to show our tears. What else did you learn about leading through your humanity, your broken heart after that ruling?

Jennifer Konfrst: I learned that I need support as much as I give it, right? So I see my role in those things often as providing leadership, giving hope. That’s what I’m constantly — my speech, my sub speech always has a line that just says “hope” in it, and I’m very intentional about not giving false hope but giving the reasons that I have hope, and I just couldn’t find it that day. But I found it from other people. There was a constituent of mine who was there who was 17 who stood up and spoke about what she’s going to do, and that gave me hope, right, to remind myself I’m not alone in this. And of course I knew that. But to see it was helpful, that there’s another generation of people.

16:12

And as a woman leading with anger or sadness are things that you have to be particularly careful about, right? You don’t want to be a hysterical woman or seen in this way that is really challenging and unfair. But I also found that by showing that anger, showing that sadness, people felt seen and heard in ways that maybe they didn’t before. I’m always the one giving them the rah-rah, and if I’m upset, then they’re not crazy for being that way too. The two things I  learned are it’s sometimes okay to lead with anger and sadness and I need support as much as I give it, and solidarity was the name of the circle, and that’s why because we gave it to each other.

Rebecca Ching: It’s such a tough one, though, it really is, to live that because there are so many messages around leading that we have to be above this. But more and more, gosh, over the last decade basically, especially we want to be with. We want to be more human, and since that time, what other things have you done to practice that, to deepen the reps of getting help and receiving help as much as you give it? Anything else stand out to you?

Jennifer Konfrst: People always ask me how do I do this. How do I lose every vote that we have on the floor of the House? How do I stay positive? One is weekly therapy is incredibly important, and I try to be transparent about that so that others know just how important it is. That’s a form of self-care that can truly help you understand a lot of your reactions and paying more attention, and then secondarily, it has been being in conversation with people who also know the risks and feel the risks more closely.

17:57

You know, on the day of Dobbs, I called my daughter. Dobbs, as I said, abortion’s been my issue. On the day of Dobbs, I called my daughter. She’s 24. She was 22 at the time. And a 22-year-old daughter who’s smart and feisty can knock you down a peg like nobody can, and I called her, and I was crying, and I said, “I’m so sorry that you have fewer rights than I did.” And she said, “Mom, I don’t know why you’re so worried about me. We are middle class. We are white. We have privilege. If I need care, I can find a place to get care. You need to be worried not about me but about the women who don’t even know this is happening or the women who don’t speak English or the women who are girls.” And that really helped me refocus on my own biases but also the urgency of need for people who aren’t right in front of me but critically need our help.

Rebecca Ching: Dang.

Jennifer Konfrst: Leave it to a daughter, man. [Laughs] They can sure cut to the core.

Rebecca Ching: Totally cosign. I’m grateful for it, but sometimes it hits you between the eyes. But it’s just what we need too.

Jennifer Konfrst: It sure does. It is.

Rebecca Ching: Raising the next generation of leaders means eating a lot of humble pie, too.

Jennifer Konfrst: That’s exactly right!

Rebecca Ching: [Laughs] As I touched on in the intro, in welcoming you here, I’ve just been thinking a lot about those that I know that are in the civic space, politics, and how dehumanizing we’ve become towards those that lead, and not to say that there are some folks that are in the space that haven’t earned some serious need for accountability. But I’d love for you just to talk about zooming out from specific issues as a human, as Jennifer, you know? And seriously, one of my favorite memories though is I think I got one of my very first emails ever from you. We just got email and computers, and email was a new thing, and that’s burned in my brain. So I see you in that space.

Jennifer Konfrst: [Laughs]

Rebecca Ching: What are some just general personal anxieties, daily anxieties or fears that you navigate as a human but have to kind of work through in your role as Minority Leader in the Iowa State House?

20:02

Jennifer Konfrst: I’m by nature an optimistic person. I like to say I’m a Gen Xer so I’m optimistic realist. [Laughs] You know, I’m never too pie in the sky. Gen Xers aren’t allowed to be too pie in the sky, but I do feel like I can be optimistic. But this job does require me to go places I don’t want to go so that I can then lead. For example, on election night or the night before a bad vote, I have to process the worst-case scenario ahead of time so that I can — so on election night last year, the weekend before, they said, “We don’t want you on doors. We want you home processing the worst-case scenario, processing losing ten seats and getting to a point where you can see the good and the opportunity before because doing it live is too hard, and so, we need you to prepare.”

So, getting to that dark space from time to time so that I can prepare to lead is something that isn’t fun and does have a cost but does help me in the moment to lead. We try to limit those times as much as possible because it’s not a good thing to do. So that’s very counter to what I sort of instinctively want to do but I have found it to be effective. But I also believe that I have to try to be as intentional and as authentic as I can as a leader. You know, I lead a caucus of people who don’t work for me, and Nancy Pelosi I think famously said, “The hardest job in politics is leading a minority caucus of elected officials,” because you lose a lot and you don’t have any teeth, right? There’s not a lot I can do to get them to do what I want. So it’s truly leading, not bossing. And so, I try to be as intentional as I can about that. A lot of those people also want my job, and so, getting them to a place where they can see why I’m the person to lead right now and it’s a constant re-election all the time in terms of building relationships. But I feel like what’s been successful is authenticity and transparency. If I can say, “This sucks, and it’s hard. I get it, and here’s what we’re gonna try to do,” it helps them see that I’m also feeling the way they’re feeling in a way that makes them feel less othered from me, and I think that makes them feel like more part of the team. So we’ll see but it’s been working so far.

22:03

Rebecca Ching: I love that. And we hear those words and we, especially in various spaces, leaders — authenticity, transparency, we hear about these words. They’re important words. But sometimes they can get thrown around and you just shared kind of sharing language like, “Okay, yep. This sucks. Here’s my plan,” and inviting people into it. But I’d love for you to say a little bit more about how you stay true to you, because transparency also as a leader of a group of people like you just said that you have to count on, they vote you into the leadership role. Your constituents vote you into your seat, and then this group of people vote you into this leadership role. What are some very specific practices around I want to say transparency, in particular? Because you’re inviting debate. You’re inviting disagreement. You’re inviting critique. Say more around your specific practices and reps around transparency with your caucus.

Jennifer Konfrst: One of the things I think is important is setting realistic expectations about what success looks like, right? If I walk in and say we’re gonna flip all the seats and we’re gonna get to the majority, I don’t have any credibility with them, and therefore, they don’t feel like I’m taking the smaller things realistically either. So that’s one is just setting transparent, realistic expectations. “We’re not gonna get to the majority this time but we can’t get there if we don’t start this time.” And so, being honest with them about what’s possible, setting expectations really clearly, and letting people lead within that and being very intentional about pointing out when someone leads, right?

So we had 15 new members this year, this general assembly. They were new to this process, and all came in thinking they were gonna change the world, as we all did, and so, giving them opportunities to lead and then demonstrating those opportunities and what the benefits are so that others would see that, and we really were able to get a culture shift in the caucus from sort of the old school versus the new school because of numbers. So specifically pointing out successes and leadership from caucus members helps them and helps me show that I’m not trying to be a dictator but really a collaborative leader.

24:09

The biggest thing I think would be showing my humanity, which is very scary to do. I have cried in front of caucus. I have expressed frustration, and I think building the relationships outside of the group one-on-one with everybody, so that when we come to a group I’ve got a coalition behind me who are supportive of me and know that I’m doing the right thing has been really important. I will tell you that there are men in my experience who I have to handle differently. Crying and showing vulnerability doesn’t work with them. I have to show strength and push back, which I hate. I have to be tough, and that’s what they respect. And learning that has been a challenge because they can’t see you as weak. Well, I guess I would say while having all these simultaneous one-on-one relationships with people that are all very different, I have to handle them one on one differently. In front of the caucus, I can’t look different than I do to them. And so, being honest, being direct, being straightforward is sort of the brand I’ve built with them, and I’m just not gonna BS them, and they know that. And so, every time I prove that, and I show that this job is hard for me too I think builds a sense of sort of foxhole mentality like we’re in this together versus them sensing it as a weakness. But doing it only that way, doing it only to the group I think would give the chance for people to sniff out weakness, which I can’t have, so I have to have those individual relationships too.

Leading and being an intentional leader with this group is a full-time job. Managing these relationships is full time. People who don’t do it lose at their peril, right?

Rebecca Ching: Say a little bit more about this foxhole mentality and how that’s helped you motivate your party, especially when there’s just this feeling of, “Are we gonna get anything done?” and progress seems illusive.

26:01

Jennifer Konfrst: Yeah, I’m glad to have that question because none of us did all this work to lose every vote, right? I didn’t knock on 13,000 doors so that I can vote no every time I get there, and no one else did either. And so, we’ve had to identify wins where we can find them.

So we have a moment where people can share a constituent success story. So how did somebody in the caucus help a constituent get Medicaid care that they needed or get the benefits that they needed? I have a lot of providers in my district. How do I get them repaid by making some phone calls? That’s where we can identify success along the way. But then secondarily, it is using our caucus to make bad bills better or stop bad bills from happening. Now, again, these are not typical motivators that get us excited, but if I can intentionally name them beforehand and then show them that we did it, they can feel a sense of team in ways that they might not otherwise, right?

So I like to joke that we’re like a family and probably not the most functional of families, but we fight like hell on the inside, but don’t you dare come at us from the outside is sort of our mentality, right? Like we’re gonna disagree, we’re gonna fight, but you don’t get to come after us because we’re in this together. And it doesn’t work perfectly, but we’ve found that uniting and coming together and finding ways to win, finding ways to get little wins along the way and then celebrating them very intentionally. So we were able to get a bill pulled from the floor, which never happens. We were able to get a bill pulled from the floor because of teamwork, because of sort of pushing them, all the things that we do. We went to caucus and celebrated that because it is a win.

No one will get it. No one knows, “Oh, my gosh. Did you hear that they didn’t time certain us for this bill?” No one cares, but in our caucus, it’s a win, and we have to find those wins along the way. We have to find those wins or it’ll feel too overwhelming.

Rebecca Ching: You know, I want to highlight this a little bit too. I mean, obviously with my training you’re talking about when you, behind closed doors, say, “We fight like hell with each other. We hash it out.” But forward facing, you’re unified and, “Don’t come at us, don’t.”

28:02

And I want to say, though, that when you have a space where people can argue, they can disagree, they can get heated, especially ideally in respectful-ish ways, keeping it above brow. That’s actually health. Having an organization that’s remiss of conflict that everyone’s feeling like they have to appease and keep it — you know, that’s like hunger games shit and stuff that we’re seeing around us.

So I just want to say, that takes a lot of courage to hold and a lot of clarity and a lot of connection to hold that and trust that, yeah, let’s come at it, let’s have it out. But it doesn’t have to be these personal attacks all the time, even though I’m sure that you probably have some stories where folks are like, “Hey, take a time out. That wasn’t cool.” But the fact that you even have hurt feelings, you can go to time out, come back, repair, and then forward facing are solid, that, to me, says that’s a sign of a healthy system. I don’t know how that lands with you.

Jennifer Konfrst: Also I’m just gonna be honest with you, going through recovery for childhood trauma has been helpful for me on this. What’s the phrase that I heard — dishonest harmony that some families have where you can’t be upset. Even though there’s no harmony there, but you act like there is because it needs to look good. Healing from that has given me the space to allow for discord and discomfort. That’s not all of it. I mean, it’s also what we have to do. But certainly that’s been helpful.

Look, if there’s one thing that is core with voters, with caucus members, with kids, with family, feeling heard is so important, and it’s sort of one of my core needs that I identify in others, and I think people feel heard when they have a chance to argue. Also if I could, letting other people also push back. My instinct is to come in and stop conflict. My instinct is to come in and say, “No, no, no. Everybody be nice.” But being able to step back and let others come and do that and not always having to be the bad guy or the good guy has been so freeing and so good for the organization.

30:09

Rebecca Ching: Given what you just shared about the nature of the childhood trauma that you are actively healing from, the default is to appease, to keep the peace like you just said. And it’s so important how our relational traumas, especially the ones from our formative years, how they can be so insidious and sneak up and impact how we lead forward-facing. And so, I really appreciate you highlighting that and recognizing you’ve got parts of you that’re like, “Oh, crap. To keep things safe, we’ve got to keep everyone happy,” and be very Stepford-y or whatever. And the work that you’ve done has allowed you, it sounds like — and I’d love to hear you say more — allowed you to have the capacity for that discomfort. Again, the discomfort, no doubt is still there, yes?

Jennifer Konfrst: Yes. Oh, yes. Yes.

Rebecca Ching: Yes, but your system doesn’t shut you down because of your awareness of this experience in your history and awareness of these defaults to protect you. And then that capacity has helped you stay in a space of disagreement, of someone coming at you saying, “What were you thinking, Konfrst? Seriously? I thought we talked about –,” and coming at and maybe even yelling? And it’s going against everything in your nervous system like, “We don’t do yelling. What’s happening?” So yeah, say a little bit more about how that’s evolution for you.

Jennifer Konfrst: It’s so uncomfortable, and I hate it. But learning that just having to be uncomfortable with discomfort is something that I’ve had to do in my personal life, and it’s allowed me the chance to do it. And being rewarded for it. So, you know, I was in a family system that I was not — I was rewarded for silence, not for allowing disagreement, right? So when I see that I’m rewarded for allowing that disagreement by the group getting along well or people pushing back, that’s given me that reinforcement I need sort of psychologically to see, “Okay, this is okay here,” right? So uncomfortable but I didn’t get burned. So my body and my mind can trust it a little more next time. And again, realizing that I’m not alone in that leadership role, realizing that others can come in and say, “Hey, wait a minute. That wasn’t okay, and here’s why.”

32:14

And I want people to be proud of being on our team, and if they’re proud of being on our team, then they will fight for us and they will fight for the team, not just themselves.

And so, having the space to have those hard conversations is very uncomfortable and I do not like it, not even a little bit, but we have to do it, and it gets easier every time because, again, it’s a healthier system where I’m doing that, and I get better results than I did growing up. [Laughs]

Rebecca Ching: I want to pick on a word just because but is it easier or is there more capacity for courage and a little bit more ease going into it, even though there are parts of you that are just like, “Run! Don’t do this!” I think because there’s nothing easy about sitting with something that you were hardwired to — your system is just to shut down. And then, of course, with the stakes right now of the space that you’re leading in, too, because I think ease and easy are important words to discern. But I don’t want to put words in your mouth. So would you —

Jennifer Konfrst: No, no. I think that’s very fair. I think you’re right. It isn’t easier. I can sit with the discomfort better. My knee-jerk reaction is shut down. When my body is reacting, it’s like, “Nope. Gotta shut down,” and it’s panicked. And now that I’m not as panicked about seeking harmony, I can sit with it a little longer, and like it no more, but sit with it a little longer. And then because with the reaction of appeasement being so knee-jerk and panicked, there’s never time to think. There’s no time to pause and say, “Is this the right thing?” It’s just, “Okay, I’ve got to fix it.” And now that I can sit with it a little longer, I get rewarded on the other end like, “Oh, that didn’t turn out so bad,” you know?

And again, I’m not perfect at this. There are lots of things going on. But I think that’s also a big part of it is picking your battles and understanding you’ve got to have wins along the way because if you only have one big goal, getting there is really impossible. So I think that’s another part is just identifying success along the way.

34:18

Rebecca Ching: I call them the echoes. When the echoes of those burdens from those childhood relational traumas come up and you don’t have as much space between stimulus and response, right, the days where you don’t handle it well and you know better too, what’s your self-talk when you catch yourself messing up, and then how do you return to the relationship and work on repair?

Jennifer Konfrst: It’s a job with a lot of hours, a lot of late nights. You get tired. It’s emotional. You’re not always at your best in any way, shape, or form. And so, certainly, on those adjournment nights or the late debate nights I’m there, right? That’s exactly where I am. My body is winning the war with my brain and my healing. I think that’s where it’s important to have someone that you really trust in the community with you to help you see those things.

So my minority whip is a dear friend of mine. My staff is very aware that I’m working on things. And I’ve given them the space to identify when maybe I’m getting a little — I don’t want to call it strident because that’s a sexist word but when they can hear it in my throat that I’m reacting in a way that is not from a measure in space, giving just a small group of people the ability to sort of call me on it and then not yelling at them when they do or letting them understand. So I think I’m a big believer, obviously, that you have to talk about your healing and talk about your recovery and be very open about mental health and how it’s affecting the way you live your life now. And being that way with my staff and a close confidant who’s a colleague has helped me identify those things as I’m doing them.

However, my self-talk is something I’m still working on. I’m very impatient with myself. I like to think of therapy as a vaccination where you get a shot and you’re better, and that is not how it works. There’s a process, and it did take failure and success.

36:12

And so, I’m working at not being so hard on myself when I do mess it up, which I inevitably do. But having those trusted confidants around to keep me honest but also to support me is really helpful. We have, like, a triage system for crying in my office.

Rebecca Ching: No way!

Jennifer Konfrst: If there are five people in there, there’s a group — oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they know. I mean, my staff has never had a female boss and certainly never had a boss who was open and transparent about her mental health healing. And so, they are in a new world. And so, we have a triage. There’s a group of five who can be in there for when I need sort of support. And please trust me. I’m not falling apart all the time but, you know, for these moments. And then there’s a group of three, and then there’s one, and she’s in there when I’m at my worst and I need her. And they just know, “Get out. Lindsay stays,” and everybody leaves. [Laughs] And it works!

[Inspirational Music]

Rebecca Ching: Leading is hard. Leading is also controversial as you navigate staying aligned to your values, your mission, and your boundaries. Navigating the inevitable controversy can challenge your confidence, clarity, and calm. And I know you don’t mind making hard decisions, but sometimes the stakes seem higher and can bring up echoes of old doubts and insecurities during times when you need to feel rock solid on your plan and action.

Finding a coach who gets the nuances of your business and leading in our complex and polarized world can help you identify the blocks that keep you playing it safe and small. Leading today is not a fancy title or fluffy bragging rights, and Jennifer sure brings this home in this conversation. It is brave and bold work to stay the course when the future is unknown and the doubts and pains from the past keep showing up to shake things up. Internal emotional practices and systemic strategies are needed to keep the protector of cynicism at bay and foster a hope that is actionable and aligned.

38:14

So when the stakes are high and you don’t want to lose focus, when you want to navigate inevitable conflict between your ears and with those you lead, when time is of the essence and you want to make hard decisions with confidence and clarity, then Unburdened Leader Coaching is for you where you deepen the capacity to tolerate the vulnerability of change, innovation, and doing things differently than you were taught.

To start your Unburdened Leader Coaching process with me go to www.rebeccaching.com and book a free connection call. I can’t wait to hear from you!

[Inspirational Music]

Rebecca Ching: You’re talking a lot about the connection and trust, and those two words are really linked, right? Connection being seen and heard and trust where people feel like you care and you’re sincere when you make decisions. You’re reliable and you’re capable. You have the skill sets. You’re constantly doing those reps. But there’s something about just if you put politician and trust together everyone will go, “Bahahahaha,” right? 

Jennifer Konfrst: Yeah.

Rebecca Ching: And so, in light of what we’re talking about, what makes you trustworthy in a time where trust in folks in your role is so low?

Jennifer Konfrst: Fair question, and being a politician, I know that every conversation I’m having with someone starts at a trust deficit.

Rebecca Ching: Yeah.

Jennifer Konfrst: They don’t trust me just by the nature of me.

Rebecca Ching: Exactly, yeah.

Jennifer Konfrst: And so, this is where we’ve actually as a caucus worked to rebrand ourselves a little bit and do a more voter-first brand framework where when we’re having our conversations with voters, we start with them.

So this comes from being a communications person. We have research that shows that Iowans hate politics, and so, we’ve put forward a plan that is People Over Politics, and then we live that by having more intentional conversations with voters.

40:09

So, for example, we’ve got a six-point brand framework that, you know, people follow to varying degrees. But it’s all about gaining that trust one on one, and the biggest part of it is honor the promise you make to come back.

So, for example, I’m knocking on a door. It used to be, “Hi, I’m Jennifer. I’m running for the Iowa House. I care about education and reproductive freedom and lowering your costs. What are the issues you care about?” Now it’s, “Hi, I’m Jennifer. I live around the corner. How long have you lived here?” And, “Oh, do your kids go to school and actually see them as people?” This doesn’t sound like a high bar, but we’ve gotten out of the habit, and talking with them about people, finding connections right away and then if they have a question, commit to proving yourself. Say, “I know you probably don’t trust me. I know that you’re thinking, ‘This lady’s bullshitting me, and she’s never gonna come back,’” but you do. The bar is so low for trust with voters and  politicians that it doesn’t take much to show that you actually walk the walk and do what you say you’re gonna do.

Rebecca, I met a Trump/Konfrst voter the other day, and it was all because of this. He voted for Donald Trump because Donald Trump signed some bill that helped with his small business. He called me, he called several of us. I’m the one who got back to him, and I was able to tweak the law to get something done for him so now his small business can thrive. It was not controversial. Bipartisan unanimous support — just a loophole in the law that needed to be cleaned up. I went to his business, and he said, “I will vote for you forever because you did what you said you were gonna do.”

And now this is not scalable. This is hard to scale, so it has to be at a personal one-on-one level. But if you start to do it, you build a reputation. Now people trust you, and they know you. And you’ve got to do it even when it’s not comfortable. And that’s kind of where we are. I’ve got to admit failure. I’ve got to admit fault. And that’s not fun.

Rebecca Ching: No. But it falls in that transparency. But it’s also you being realistic with yourself and not manipulating too because that can be a faux — anyways. So my brain’s going multiple spaces right now when you shared that story.

42:10

Jennifer Konfrst: Sorry.

Rebecca Ching: No, don’t apologize. This is great because you just said it’s not scalable, and there’s a part of me that’s like and that’s by design, and we think we can scale trust — and we see this — I mean, I’m a J School Alum from Drake. I’ve worked in spaces of marketing, communication, advertising. I get it. We tried it. But that’s not really trust that we’re building. We’re building something else that’s, to me, I think more insidious. What you’re talking about is real trust, real connection. This isn’t BFF stuff. And honestly, I wonder if there are more folks out there that are more in this multiplicity, as shocking as it is, Trump/Konfrst. But that mashup has to exist for you to be in this world in many ways and what’s going on in the state of Iowa.

Jennifer Konfrst: Yeah.

Rebecca Ching: So it’s not scalable. To think it is — when it becomes — to me, it’s more coercion, it’s manipulation, it’s Camp High feelings, it’s parasocial relationships. But what you’re doing is an investment, and that takes energy and bandwidth. How else do you maintain — in this particular role, how do you, on a very basic level, just take — you mentioned therapy but there has to be some levels of boundaries, so you don’t lose yourself. You are a human. We are not 20 anymore. We need our sleep. [Laughs]

Jennifer Konfrst: No. [Laughs]

Rebecca Ching: You’ve got late nights. Because I suspect there are people listening going, “Okay, that’s amazing, and I want to do that. But my kids, my other demands, the house, what’s going on in the community,” that can be overwhelming. So how do you ground yourself in your basic reps of caring for yourself and being realistic with yourself on your expectations of these things that you really care about and want to do in your community?

44:09

Jennifer Konfrst: Yeah, I mean, I think, again, it’s defining wins, smaller wins. And so, instead of telling myself I’m gonna convince seven voters today and I’ve got seven voters on my sheet, I say I’m gonna convince one and sort of preplanning for failure a little bit, so that I know I’m not gonna get all of them, then makes me feel less devastated when I don’t. It’s remembering to put  myself in their shoes.

So, first of all, realizing that when I’m knocking on their door it’s the 15th door I’ve knocked on. I’ve had these conversations at nauseam forever. I know these bills inside and out, and they’re watching TV and trying to make dinner, and they’re trying to make sure that their kids have diapers, and they need to get to nap, and they have to go to work and they have to do all this stuff, and I’ve been there. And so, it’s sort of empathizing with them or in some way making that connection with them even before I meet them to know where they’re coming to the conversation at, right, what they’re bringing into my conversation.

But in terms of self-care, I am not great at it. I have 47 days until the election, and I don’t sleep that great. I’m trying. We’re trying to do all the things we all try to do, turn off screens. I will tell you that I, [Laughs] obsessively, every night watch an episode of The West Wing. Every night for the past five years. 

Rebecca Ching: Nice.

Jennifer Konfrst: [Laughs] Every night I just start it over because it’s comforting and reassuring to me to know that I know how this is gonna end. I always make the joke that everyone thinks politics is like House of Cards or Scandal. Everyone wants politics to be West Wing. But really politics is Veep. And so, the realistic look at politics is the show Veep, and so, I can’t watch that one because it’s too real. But it just gives me something comforting to do.

I will tell you that I’m struggling right now with how to find — I mean, my kids are gone. I’m an empty nester. That helps. But trying to find time that I make with my husband, intentionally, so that I can have that touch base is important.

46:04

I always give the analogy that my adult kids, I tell them I’m like the side of a pool. I’m sure you’ve heard of this analogy. You go swim. I can’t come save you. But I’m always here if you want to rest, right? So you go swim, and then you can always swing back to me. I will never leave. The side of the pool is always there. But my husband has to be that side of the pool for me because I’ve got to go back and rest, and that’s a lot on him. So we’ve had to talk about that. We are far from perfect at it. I am not great at it. But the boundaries that I try to set are, “Great. Thanks. Thanks for letting me know you’re concerned about this in the freezer section. Give me your name and number, and we will give you a call tomorrow,” instead of engaging in the conversation that night.

So to go back to the dehumanizing part, I think people don’t see us as people, and then they see us at the grocery store and they forget, and so, they come up to us and start yelling at us about something, and it’s like, “Yep. I’m sitting here holding a pot pie. I’ve got to go, but let’s talk tomorrow.” I’m not great at it. But we’re trying. We’re trying to get better.

Rebecca Ching: When it comes to trustworthiness, though, have you ever been betrayed, especially in your role as leader? And if so, how did you respond when your trust was betrayed?

Jennifer Konfrst: Oh, yeah. It is deep, right? The betrayal that you get from somebody who’s supposed to be on your team is deeper than the betrayal that you expect from the other side, right? So if somebody from the other side lies to me, gives me something that I find out isn’t true, okay, lesson learned, right? I shouldn’t have trusted you to begin with. But when one of our own, and I mean own like another democrat somewhere in our system, when they do it, it is devastating, emotionally devastating. Especially because I make the assumption that everybody in this is in it for the same reason I am, which is to make life better for Iowans. And finding out that people are in it for themselves or in it for more sort of self-fulfilling purposes is a betrayal in addition to the betrayal to me, right? Because it shows them to be not authentic, and I can’t handle it. The way I do this is that I know that somebody’s gonna have a better life in a year, a week, a month, right? That I’ve been able to help somebody. Self-serving is so personally offensive to me in this space that I feel doubly betrayed.

48:17

So how do I do it? I close up a little bit. I don’t trust as much with everybody for a while, I’ve seen, I’ve noticed, right? I shut down because now I don’t know how to trust. I give trust very sparingly, probably to a fault. I also know that I do not forgive very easily in that space, and I kick myself because I maybe need to be a little more honoring that they’ve made a mistake and that we can grow from it and learn, but I am not there yet I would say. I am not good at that. When you’re gone, you’re gone. You’re shut out from me because I’m trying to do something here, and if you’re not part of it, I don’t have time. I like to say I’m pushing a boulder up the hill. I can’t handle people pushing back on the boulder who are on my own team. [Laughs] I can’t have that. That is not only not helping, it is hurting, and that is where I feel particular betrayal. So I get cranky, and I don’t forget very easily, which is something I’m working on.

Rebecca Ching: I don’t think we’re called to forget, you know? Forgiveness sometimes is more about us than it is the other person, but I would say it’s mostly about us on our time. But in the space that you’re in, how does someone earn your trust back again after it’s been betrayed? Is that possible?

Jennifer Konfrst: I think that the door can open to trust again, but when they’re on my side, when they’re one of us and they don’t do what they say they’re going to do or they do the opposite or they betray a confidence, I can open the door and kind of let them on the front porch, but I’ve not yet gotten to a point where I can let them in the house, right?

Rebecca Ching: Fair.

Jennifer Konfrst: So, you know, I can let you back on my property. I can get you. But I’m not to a point yet where I’m ready to open the door for you, and that is why it’s so important that the small group of people that I do trust, I panic and fear sometimes what if they — if they betrayed me, it would ruin me, right?

50:18

It would be hard to get out of. But then I end up leaning on them a little more because it’s a small circle and they tell me that’s the job and they get it, but I’m also trying to be as cognizant as I can of not putting too much pressure on them.

So, you know, I’m just caretaking everybody, Rebecca. But I guess in this sense, I’ve not yet gotten to a place where if there’s a real betrayal, I’m willing to let folks back in. If it starts to cost me, if it starts to be bad on my heart and my psyche then I will get there. But yeah, I don’t know yet.

Rebecca Ching: I like that image that you have. It’s okay. They can come on the property, maybe on the front porch, but it’s gonna be a while, if ever, they’re in the house. I think there’s wisdom in that. I think, especially in the types of — because you’re talking about value betrayals. You know, what keeps you doing this again and again is knowing that someone else’s life is gonna be better next week, next month, next year. That’s what you have, and it is — but when folks are doing something that’s self-serving or just do something that just really goes against that boulder image that you’re talking about in a way that just breaks a contract, there’s some wisdom there. I think the expectation to bypass that is — and that’s where I particularly appreciate that about — I think women have a certain kind of instinct, too. We’ve had to. And so, there’s a difference when you’re holding onto resentment and bitterness versus I’m just not sure I have that trust that this person’s caring about the things we care about yet. Yeah, maybe they can do it on the porch. I don’t know. I just think that’s a spectrum. And so, I love that.

52:00

And also, I have to throw this in because I talk to leaders about this all the time. You said, “I’m just caretaking everyone.”

Jennifer Konfrst: Yeah.

Rebecca Ching: And I don’t know if it is because I think sometimes there’s a difference between truly caring or caretaking, you know? Caring is opening up and daring to be compassionate and empathetic, understanding boundaries, what do they need, where does that intersect with what I need, versus caretaking is over functioning for them, appeasing, complicit, people pleasing, not letting them ever be upset and constantly hustling for their approval or that space. So I’m not hearing that. And maybe there are days where you’re like, “I need to make it better because I can’t handle if we’re not good!” Sure, but I’m hearing a lot more care as a leader than I am hearing caretaking, which is really more protective and exhausting. I don’t know if that lands with you?

Jennifer Konfrst: No, I appreciate it. I mean, I hope so, right? It’s the goal. I’m working on it. It’s not perfect but I’m getting there. I want to do it justice quickly that one of the things that’s hard in this job is that our victories aren’t public. So those moments that I talked about how I just need to know have made somebody’s life better, I’ve passed six bills in the Iowa legislature. I’ve never passed a bill with my name on it, right? So I have something that needs done, the way the system is right now it has to be passed by a Republican in order for it to get done. And so, that takes a ton of behind-the-scenes work, a ton of trust, a ton of working together and compromise. But it’s not like I get to then go out and do a victory tour that says, “Look at me! I did this!”

So that I think is where the personal part of it really has to hit. It has to be rewarding for me because I’m not gonna get external validation for doing that because no one knows. It has to be for me, for my constituents, for our caucus. It has to be internal. So I think that’s what also makes it a little more personal.

Rebecca Ching: But also that seems to be the value boundaries you’re setting up for your caucus is what I’m hearing, for your team. And you kind of set up a question I wanted to ask just briefly as we wrap up. Say a little bit more about the strategies you use to stay in dialogue with those on the opposite side of the political spectrum, right, to get anything of any measure done even though it’s not with your name on it, as you noted.

54:06

What are some core strategies that you use, and maybe they’re just repetition of what you do with your caucus, but anything that stands out particularly with those that have very different political beliefs and views than you?

Jennifer Konfrst: And this is a challenge for us, right? Because we have a lot of activists and a lot of folks who aren’t in the space that are saying, “How could you talk with somebody, look them in the eye when they do these terrible things? How could you possibly work with somebody like this?” And I get it. But I also know that I’ve got to get something done. And so, it’s a little bit of compartmentalizing like, “We aren’t gonna agree on this, but maybe I can make some movement here.” Finding points of agreement, finding which of them you can trust, understanding that level of trust is different than with your own people, and building relationships, right? I mean, I work very hard to — I’ve criticized the party, I’ve criticized my opposition. I don’t make them enemies because that’s when you can’t get anything done. Looking at them as opponents versus enemies is really important to me.

Rebecca Ching: Say more about that. How do you discern that? Because I don’t think that people would discern that the way that we see rhetoric these days, that they seem like they’re conflated.

Jennifer Konfrst: A lot of things are social media, right? So I do not go on social media and bash my colleagues. I have plenty of thoughts, trust me. But I don’t go there because I know that whatever I say now is something that they’re gonna use against me, and they have power. So I have to be able to keep the door open however possible, so why would I do something like make something personal when, professionally, I think I can negate that power a little bit, right? And respect is really important, and I think if we do what we say we’re gonna do, we don’t play games, we can get some things accomplished. There was a bill this year that was a terrible bill. We pushed them, procedurally, to do something. They came to us, we made the bill better, and then we still voted no, right? So it’s understanding that legislating isn’t always getting a win. It’s incremental.

Activists, folks outside of the circle, people who are desperately affected by these things understandably feel that it’s very all or nothing, and I get it. I understand it feels all or nothing. I don’t live in an all or nothing world, right?

56:06

I work in a place of tiny, tiny steps, and it’s having them push us to move faster while me pushing back saying, “This has to be enough right now.” Are there people with whom I cannot see eye to eye? Of course, but there are enough people who also respect the institution, care about the state. They’re wrong about the issues, they think I’m wrong about the issues, but we can find some common ground, otherwise I am wasting my constituents’ votes, I am wasting our congress’ time, and I just didn’t go there to vote no all the time.

Rebecca Ching: Well, we’re recording this with 47 days until the election. This episode is gonna be dropping under two weeks before the election. And so, I’d love for you to share some words on what you think leaders can do to encourage those they lead to take meaningful action on issues that matter most to them.

Jennifer Konfrst: I hate to sound like a broken record but identifying success. So not over-promising. So you go work for a person running for president. I’m not telling you your life is gonna get better the next day. But I’m gonna give you a contrast and show how your effort can make a difference right now. I believe the more voices are heard, the better we are; the more people who vote, the more representative our government is. And so, I tell people that you have to walk your values, right? Sitting back and complaining doesn’t do anything. But also don’t expect perfection. I’ve long since gotten over trying to convince people that working with the other side is something that needs to be done. I’m not gonna convince activists. I’m not gonna convince folks in their twenties. But it’s identifying those successes and saying, “See? It worked!” Additionally, I tell folks in Iowa, legislative races, city council races are decided by one, two, three, four, five, six votes, and you can move the needle at that level in ways that you might not see on a national level.

So I often encourage people to get involved on local state races even if it’s just knocking on doors, making phone calls, or putting a yard sign out because it makes more of a difference. The effort-to-impact ratio is much better on local races than it is on those federal races or even a senate race in California or something like that. I mean, it matters. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that. But I think that you can see the impact of your work a little more at that state and local level.

58:25

Rebecca Ching: What do you say to those that are like, “Things are too polarized. I’m out. I’m out”? What do you say to inspire participation to those folks?

Jennifer Konfrst: Well, it depends on who I’m talking to. If there’s somebody that I know is motivated by competition I’ll say, “Well, that’s what they want. They want you to stay home. They want you to not pay attention. They want you to disengage because then they win and they get power, and they care about power so their idea is to divide us so that they can have power and do what they want to do. So if that’s comfortable to you, I don’t think it should be. I think that you need to fight back because they want you to be apathetic. Our biggest enemy is apathy, not the other side.”

And so, how do we get people motivated? Well, you remind them that they’re letting them win, right? They’re letting the people who are dividing us win. The people who are less competitive like me and more just sort of frustrated and feeling down, I try to tell them about successes that we find, right? So it’s the small business owner who got something because of me, and you can help make that happen in your district. And we always say the line, “You can not care about politics but politics sure as hell cares about you.” And so, you’re gonna be impacted either way, so you might as well engage in some way because otherwise you’re letting things happen to you and you’re not impacting your own future and your own community. 

Rebecca Ching: So we’re less than two weeks out. If someone’s saying, “What’s the point at this point?” what would you say to someone on how they can meaningfully contribute to what’s gonna happen this election at this stage?

Jennifer Konfrst: The biggest thing is take no vote for granted and call five friends and get a voting plan from them.

1:00:01

You probably are surrounded by very close friends who have a plan to vote, then go find out from that and say to them, “What’s your plan to vote?” Rebecca, what’s your plan? You tell me. I write it down. I text you the day before election day, “Remember, you said this as your plan.” It’s an easy thing to do, and you’ve got more influence with your friends than anybody political does, so work your network to get people to vote. Don’t tell them how. Don’t make that decision. But tell them that they need to vote because the more of us who vote, the more representative our government is. And so, getting people to vote is harder than it looks and really critically important.

Rebecca Ching: Jennifer, thank you for coming back on the show! I couldn’t think of anyone else more that I wanted to talk to about this at this point in time and history. I really appreciate digging kind of a little bit underneath the hood on what drives you and how you’re caring for you. It means a lot.

And if folks wanted to kind of follow the work that you’re doing in Iowa and what’s going on with your role as leader, how can folks connect with you and stay connected to what you’re doing?

Jennifer Konfrst: I’m on social media @konfrstforhouse (it’s a weird last name but it’s mine, so I probably should own it at this point) and then @iowahousedems. Everything that we’re doing on Iowa House Democrats social media is research-based communication, voter-first communication. So you can see what we’re doing!

Rebecca Ching: That’s awesome. Before you go, I typically ask some fun quick-fire questions. Are you ready for them?

Jennifer Konfrst: I’m ready!

Rebecca Ching: All right. What are you reading right now?

Jennifer Konfrst: Polling crosstabs is all, so polls. [Laughs]

Rebecca Ching: [Laughs] I’m like it’s not gonna be a book. I’m laughing out loud like, “It’s not gonna be a book!”

Jennifer Konfrst: Nope. Crosstabs.

Rebecca Ching: So awesome. What song are you playing on repeat?

Jennifer Konfrst: “The Man” by Taylor Swift.

Rebecca Ching: Oh, oh, oh.

Jennifer Konfrst: It’s getting me through it, and “March March” by The Dixie Chicks, yeah.

Rebecca Ching: What is the best TV show or movie that you’ve seen recently outside of West Wing? [Laughs]

Jennifer Konfrst: Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. I just rewatched Schitt’s Creek, which gave me joy and hope and happiness. So it was good for my soul to rewatch that. I haven’t seen anything new in a while, but Schitt’s Creek has been pretty good lately.

Rebecca Ching: I think that’s what we’re gonna start. We’re rewatching Parks and Rec. My son’s seeing it for the first time.

Jennifer Konfrst: Yes!

1:02:19

Rebecca Ching: And it’s so needed. It’s unexpectedly helpful at this point in time. What is your mantra right now?

Jennifer Konfrst: All gas, no brakes is sort of what I’m saying to my team a lot right now. “All gas, no brakes.” We don’t have time to pause and look. We’ve got to go. So pedal to the metal.

Rebecca Ching: And you can just tell them. But eat a sandwich and drink your water, please. [Laughs]

Jennifer Konfrst: Right. Definitely. While you’re driving.

Rebecca Ching: [Laughs] While you’re driving! [Laughs]

Jennifer Konfrst: [Laughs]

Rebecca Ching: Dangit! I know. I’m like, okay. I don’t know, the therapist in me is like, “Okay, I’ll see you all on November 6th. What do you need? I got you. Let’s recover now. Let’s debrief.” Even though who knows what we’ll know on November 6th. What is an unpopular opinion that you hold?

Jennifer Konfrst: Well, I mean, I think it builds off what we talked about at the end there, that there are ways to work in bipartisan ways to get something done, and it’s important to do so.

Rebecca Ching: Who or what inspires you to be a better leader and human?

Jennifer Konfrst: Besides my kids who are amazing and challenge me every day just by living their lives? Cory Booker, a senator from New Jersey inspires me daily. His outlook on life and his approach to fighting with heart is one that I try to emulate.

Rebecca Ching: Yeah. He’s an incredible leader in an important contagion right now, for sure.

Jennifer, thank you. Please take care of yourself. Please take care of that heart of yours. Thank you so much for your time in coming back on the show.

Jennifer Konfrst: Thanks for having me. It was great!

Rebecca Ching: Before you go, I want to make sure you take away some of the important nuggets of wisdom that Jennifer left with us in this Unburdened Leader conversation. Oh, Jennifer did a great job sharing a nuanced way to look at our grief and our rage, not in an exploitative way or a manipulative way, and she modeled how we can use our grief and rage and pain as a data point instead to connect with our own humanity along with others in a genuine (imagine this) human-to-human way.

1:04:19

It’s also important not to underestimate the power of managing our expectations and the expectations of those we lead, serve, and support. Jennifer pointed out how managing these expectations helps us manage our mental wellbeing, and I just think that is such a powerful point to keep in mind. And as someone who can be competitive, I valued how she talked about her goals and commitments while keeping things realistic, allowing for small wins, and most importantly, celebrating every dang win as medicine and building camaraderie.

I was really struck by Jennifer’s commitment to her work in her impatience for those who are in politics for themselves. She really brought some powerful truths on there. Of course, I was absolutely thrilled to hear Jennifer share how she’s moving through her own trauma recovery, healing, and mental health support. Her advocacy and vulnerable sharing decreases stigma and encourages others to get more support while normalizing struggle and asking for help, especially when the way of the work and the world and just being human right now can feel too much.

So I’m curious, how are you going to develop, befriend, and deepen your relationship with your rage and grief in a way that connects you deeper to yourself and those around you? And what does support look like to help you do that? How can you better manage your expectations and the expectations of those that you lead and support? I think this one’s so important for us to be thinking about.

I keep saying this but it’s hard to be human, especially in 2024, and Jennifer encouraged us to stay focused on our values of being of service, being honest, caring, and authentic while also having boundaries so that we can continue to do the work that we want to do without compromising our well-being, our values, or our important relationships. And this is the ongoing work of an Unburdened Leader.

[Inspirational Music]

1:06:21

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Unburdened Leader. If this episode impacted you, I would be so honored and appreciative if you left a rating, a review, and shared it with someone who you think might benefit from it.

You can find this episode, show notes, free Unburdened Leader resources, ways to sign up for The Unburdened Leader weekly email, along with ways to work with me at www.rebeccaching.com. And this episode is produced by the incredible team at Yellow House Media!

[Inspirational Music]